How To Assist Your Peers

Try not to look shocked or panicked. Understand that someone has trusted you enough to tell you about something terrible that has happened to them. Feel honoured that they came to you with this important disclosure. If they are telling you about an experience of violence that isn’t recent do not assume they have already told other people about it even if it happened many years ago – you might still be the first person they are disclosing to.

Recognise obstacles and difficulties for a person in making this disclosure and ensure you hold a space that allows the disclosure to open up and not close down. You can do this by being open to listening, not looking fearful, upset or getting angry because of what you are hearing, and yet without asking too many questions. Using prompts to support the person to continue is most appropriate. Some responses may include; “It’s Ok, take your time.” “I know this is hard, just take your time and tell me what you feel ok to share.” Also use non-verbal ques – open body language.

Don’t underestimate the barriers to making this disclosure and how long it may have taken for a person to feel able to speak of their experiences, simply sit and listen to the disclosure with care and without questioning it. Some responses may include; “I’m so sorry this has happened to you”, “What do you need right now?”, “Is there anyone I can call for you?”, “What do you want to happen?” Do not make promises that you can’t or won’t be kept. Do not show your anger or upset. This isn’t about you and your emotions, it is about what the person disclosing needs, you can seek support from your manager/the Employee Assistance Programme/Sexual Violence Prevention and Response manager after the disclosure for any upset or distress caused by hearing the disclosure.

Reassure the person know that you understand how difficult the experience was for them and that you are grateful that they have spoken to you.

It is not unusual for a victim to assume responsibility for the abuse that has happened to them. It is important that we are clear that there is only one person responsible for the act of abuse and that is the person who carried that act out – the perpetrator. . Where the person telling their story blames themselves, gently note that in your experience the person who is abusive is always responsible and never the person who has been abused.

Know the boundaries to the support you can offer within the remit of your role. Ensure that you are aware of the relevant services available so that you can let the person know about the possibilities for further support for them. Outline the services and give them the contact details, so that they can then decide if they wish to proceed and seek support.

This refers to our responsibility to keep private what is shared with us. All disclosures should normally be treated as confidential, with the exception of where there is immediate and significant risk to the student/staff member or if you are made aware that a child and/or vulnerable adult is at risk. If in doubt, discuss with someone senior to you. If you have a specific confidentiality policy within your role, then let the student/staff member know about any limits to this as early as possible. They will be able to make an informed decision regarding whether they want to go ahead and disclose to you.

Ensure the person knows that you will not share this information with anyone else, including other services, nor will you raise it with them again unless they raise it with you. Always apply the ‘need to know’ principle, does another person need to know this?

We do not all need to become trained as counsellors, but we do need to educate ourselves and those around us on the basics of how to respond sensitively and compassionately. Remember the person came to you, they trusted you – please don’t let them down. Help them to continue breaking the silence around sexual harassment and sexual violence in a safe way and to seek the support that they feel is right for them.

Remember; the person is not telling you so that you can ‘fix’ this for them, in fact taking control of the situation here will only serve to place the person in a powerless and helpless situation that risks reminding them of the feelings they felt in the moment of the abuse. You can’t fix this – you can’t make it right and you can’t take away the pain – and that’s OK. You can see and feel this from the person’s perspective, you can demonstrate a sincere regard for their welfare and their worthiness – and you can leave the person feeling believed and more resilient.

• let the student or staff member know that they have options, and they can report within or outside TUS or choose to take no action
• do not impose your opinion about what you think they should do
• give information about support options and signpost them to specialist support services
• let the victim know that they can choose to remain anonymous
• complete a disclosure form and send to the TUS Sexual Violence Prevention and Response manager
• the manager will be able to support them from here and check whether alternative accommodation, or another precautionary measures and supports are required